Hospitality Check: Below Deck: Med episode 1
Ahoy! Below Deck: Mediterranean is back for its third season! So excited! This is my favorite reality show – I love it.
This season they crew is sailing on The Talisman and she is sailing around Italy.
First we meet the crew.
Captain Sandy - Badass HBIC! Captain Sandy is firm, but fair and seems like a genuinely nice person to work for.
Hannah - Chief Stew – I personally love Hannah and felt so bad for her last season. (That Bugs or Bugsy chick was the worst. And… I can’t stand it when someone has a cutesy nickname that they use in their regular life (not just a name that their family or close friends calls them.) Anyway, rant over… Hannah seems to know her shit and has high standards. I hope that she’ll have a good season, but based on the previews, she won’t.
Conrad - Bosun – Conrad is a 23-year-old Brit with a babyface. He has a few years in yachting and complains that people marginalize him because he looks young. As a fellow Babyface, I immediately LOVE him and sympathize with him.
Adam – Chef – Adam is back from Season 2, over Malia, and ready to do a great job. I didn’t really care for Adam for most of last season, but, after the Malia triangle was revealed, I was more sympathetic. I this episode, when Adam said, “the stews are super cute, but so is having a job” he fully won me over. Both a clever sound bite and good attitude for work. Go Adam!
Kasey – Stew- Kasey is a former pageant queen from Long Island. She is seemingly spoiled and a ditz. I could see Kasey being the Julia (from season 1) or Max (of season 2) of this season. She might end up the most likable. While she is clearly being edited to be (and probably actually is) a princess, the
Joao – Lead Deckhand- Joao is from Zimbabwe and already works my nerves. Hannah is excited to meet him because her parents are from “Zim” and she says that he’s hot. NO! Joao is the type of guy that will tell a pretty shit joke, laugh excessively loud at it, and call you a bitch if you only manage a polite chuckle. On a less bitchy note, it was nice to hear him say that he got into yachting as a way to get out of a politically and economically challenged country; I really respect people who want to leave their homes and see the world.
Colin – Deckhand- Colin is a former Fire Island ferry captain with no experience yachting. In his little montage, he sweeps while singing a showtunes-esque song, and given the Fire Island connection, I assumed he was gay. It’s his first time across the Atlantic and he can’t say gnocchi. He’s another one that I predict will be chill this season.
Jamie – Deckhand – Jamie is an ethnically ambiguous South African. She has previously worked on one other yacht as a deck/stew, so she has interior experience, but wants to proof that women can work the deck.
I fully support the notion that women can be deckies, and Captain Sandy is a badass, but Below Deck: Med has had some disappointing female deckies. There was Malia, who slept with her direct supervisor, and Jen, who hated life and complained about being in Greece. Let’s hope Jamie will redeem the ladies. I doubt it.
Brooke – 2nd Stew – Brooke is an experienced Stew from England, who knows one of Hannah’s friends, which makes Hannah instantly like her. Brooke will be a good worker, BUT I predict that there will be no in-between with her – either totally chill or all about the drama.
Sandy says that Hannah and Adam are back this season because, even though they did screw up in the past, they both have the potential to be great. That being said, they aren’t going to get a second chance.
The deck and stew teams get to work getting ready for the first charter.
Hannah is happy because the yacht is in good shape. Adam says that he knows Hannah’s quirks after last season and he knows that she doesn’t have a resting bitch face, “it’s just how her face rests.”
The deckies have their little team meeting and Joao says that, if he ever gives directions that contrast Conrad’s, go with Conrad’s orders. Let’s see how long that lasts… Jamie asks to be included in boy talk, and Conrad says that he wouldn’t ever exclude her. Let’s see how long that lasts, too…
Hannah calls the stews for a meeting and reviews their schedules, then asks them about their bartending skills. Kasey says that she is a bartender and gives a Jack and Coke as an example of her skills. Amazing… Hannah lets the girls know that she can be short, but not to take it personally.
Captain Sandy calls Hannah, Conrad, and Adam to the bridge to prep them on the first charter. The primary charter guest is a woman who works in sports marketing and her and her friends are used to luxury travel. (Spoiler alert: They aren’t.) Captain Sandy tells them to wow the guests.
Brooke reveals that she has recently started dating a good friend from home. Again, mark my words, Brooke will go either totally chill or a hot mess.
While relaxing at the end of the night, Conrad tells Joao and Hannah that he’s 23. Joao loses it and makes a big deal about his age. Joao sucks. Brooke tells Hannah that she’s dating a chef and Hannah says she hasn’t banged him, so it’s okay. I thought it was funny. I might have been the only one.
The next morning, Kasey struggles to do laundry. Brooke has to explain to her how to use the washing machines because Kasey doesn’t do her own laundry at home. Kasey says she has 4 years, I think, of experience, so, even if she doesn’t do laundry at her parent’s house, how has she never used a washing machine onboard?!
After a right kerfuffle with the epaulets (hello Little Britain fans), the crew lines up to meet the guests. They are all over the hill, single women. The primary charter guest immediately invites Captain Sandy to dinner with them on their last night. The Captain, then, whispers to Hannah that they are nice.
Something weird I noticed is that in the lineup (the greeting line? Not sure what to call it), most of the crew is wearing sunglasses, which makes sense since they are in the bright Mediterranean sun. However, some of them have their sunglasses pushed up onto their heads, not covering their eyes. I used to work for Disney and I was told at work that we could only wear sunglasses OUTSIDE and we could NEVER push them off our eyes. If they weren’t on our eyes, they needed to be put away. I don’t know why that bothered me, but Disney acted like having sunglasses out but not “on” was really rude and it stuck with me, I guess.
Hannah gives them a tour of The Talisman and it’s a lovely ship. The guests are oohing and aahing and seem pleasant thus far.
The deck crew successfully departs Naples, while Hannah offers the ladies a top-off. Hannah has an Australian accent which multiple guests then imitate. How do you know someone isn’t well-traveled? They are excited by and/or imitate someone else’s accent.
One of the guest asks for nuts and Hannah offers to serve then a fruit plate and nuts.
Kasey is seasick two minutes after leaving port, despite sailing in beautiful weather in seemingly calm seas. When telling Hannah, Brooke served some excellent eye rolls. I’m here for all the eye rolls and side eyes.
Chef Adam is hard at work preparing a nice snack for the guests, while the nut lady keeps saying, “Nuts! Where are my nuts?” on repeat.
One of the guests is a redheaded trainwreck who looks like Meredith from The Office, thus I will call Meredith. (She has a stupid name, but I can’t be bothered to look it up… It’s Aerica or Ayrica or something) She claims that she knows what to do to and how to handle getting the nuts faster. She approaches Hannah and says that they need someone on deck to keep their glasses filled and that they need protein. She is already slightly slurring her words.
Meanwhile, Conrad is with the deck team instructing them how to lower the anchor. Joao won’t let him get a word in without interrupting. Remember Conrad is his boss. Captain Sandy said green and Joao uses the color blue in his unnecessary and disrespectful example. Conrad shows an incredible amount of patience with Joao. I would have snapped at him.
Back to the nuts, it’s been twenty minutes and there are no nuts. The primary charter guest says that they need set their standards with the crew.
Hannah is working to get the food prepared, while also dealing with Kasey, who is sitting on deck puking.
Finally, all of the food is prepared and, stupidly, they bring up the nuts last, so the one chick says nuts about 10 more times. When she finally gets them, she asks if they have honey-roasted nuts. Damn!
This is actually funnier in retrospect because, while there is nothing wrong with honey-roasted nuts, if you are later on going to claim that you are used to “7-star travel,” you might not want to demand a food that is given for free on Southwest Airlines.
The guests then sit down for lunch, and Meredith bitches that Champagne is for breakfast. The ladies, though, like the food.
Meredith looks around and sees a huge yacht and says, “I’m sorry but that is such an obnoxious piece of maritime architecture.” I’m sorry but that is such an obnoxious sentence. The ladies decide that they need to go yacht-hopping, which Meredith calls “Hospitality checks.”
Captain Sandy says, “I don’t give a shit” and Joao and Jamie are ordered to take the ladies in the tender to go from yacht to yacht to look for men. They are immediately shot down at the first yacht, and it’s amazing. Believe it or not, no one from any yacht has any interest in them and they are denied boarding.
When they get back to The Talisman, Meredith tells Colin how to tie lines, then says she’ll do it herself. He won’t let her touch the lines, despite her assertion that she is “a true boater.” Hannah and Conrad watch and laugh.
Because Kasey is still sick, Jamie is roped into helping with the interior. She is pissed. I can understand her being annoyed that she is playing Stew when she is a deckie who wants to be taken seriously, however it’s her second day of work, and her cabinmate is sick– she should have a better attitude towards teamwork.
Brooke sets the table for dinner and Joao comes by, moves a piece of the centerpiece, then says to let him know if she needs his help. Joao thinks he’s funny; once again, Joao sucks.
The ladies, dressed in their finest kaftans and maxi-dresses, sit down to eat and Meredith tells them that she hates peacocks because she can’t eat them, and, when her mother went through menopause, she used to shoot them. WTF?!
Adam has prepared an Italian feast. The ladies enjoy the first course – a caprese salad. Hannah asks if them want bread, and Meredith says that she doesn’t eat bread.
Brooke walks Kasey through turn down service in the cabins, however later on they show Jamie actually doing it.
The second course is a pasta dish served in a bowl. The ladies lose their shit. It shouldn’t be in a bowl. They didn’t want starches. They wanted 7-star service. Meredith says repeatedly that it’s slop and her dog eats food like this. One chick says that she could make the dish herself at home. I actually think that that is the only argument with any merit. I can understand the desire to eat meals that wow you and that are more impressive than what you yourself can prepare. The primary charter guest tells Hannah that “this is not a dinner presentation” and Hannah offers to get the chef.
Adam comes up and Meredith tells him that she hates the food and needs him to open her wine. The primary charter guest says that the taste is good, but the presentation is lacking – it’s more of a lunch, and they didn’t want starch, while Meredith makes disparaging comments.
So they order new food. A few want fish and Meredith orders grilled cheese with truffles. Bitch, first off, you said that you didn’t eat bread and adding truffles to grilled cheese doesn’t make it classy. Again, just like the honey-roasted nuts, there’s nothing wrong with grilled cheese, it’s delicious. But, you look like a bitch when you reject eating out of a bowl, then order something off the kids’ menu.
Hannah double-checks the food orders with the ladies and another one orders spaghetti. They don’t eat starches, but she wants pasta.
The ladies then whine about how much is wrong with the service and food, while saying that they aren’t there to complain. The ladies would have probably preferred made-to-order meals, like a restaurant, which isn’t what they actually signed up for.
I feel really bad for Adam and Hannah. Adam is really trying to do a good job and redeem himself after last year, while Hannah is short-staffed on day one.
With Hannah and Conrad in the galley, Adam rallies and prepares ahi tuna, grilled cheese, and spaghetti.
In their cabin, Colin tells Joao that he thinks Brooke is cute and Joao tells him that she has a boyfriend. Bummer.
The next day, there’s bad weather brewing, Kasey’s still seasick, and Adam and Hannah start breakfast service. The ladies tell Hannah that they didn’t sleep well at all. The primary guest tells her friends that they had “a day of concerns” and they are used to “luxury vacation” so she goes to talk to the Captain. She tells Captain Sandy she isn’t having a good time. There’s a clap of thunder and the show ends.
