High Five

One of the best fan theories is the Jurassic Park one. Basically, the theory is the scientific explanation for the creation of dinosaurs is flawed and you could not actually create dinosaurs that way. Instead, the Jurassic Park scientists created entirely unique animals modeled after dinosaurs. They were not velociraptors, for example, but a scary as hell animal that LOOKED like velociraptors.

Continuing with the theory, the scientists KNEW they weren’t recreating dinosaurs – the owner and his team of scientists invited Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, and the other guy to the island, not to show off their wildly stupid let’s-bring-dinosaurs-back-to-life achievement, but to actually see if the animals that they created were close enough to the real thing to fool actual scientists. If they believe it, then the regular tourists in fanny packs will.

(I once got a picture of an older American man in Venice wearing a U.S. college’s shirt tucked into fairly high waisted cargo shorts with a fanny pack, and a pair of Crocs with tan socks that came up to mid-calf. I consider it one of my greatest photos EVER).

Now what makes this theory so brilliant is that I imagine, then, between each scene of the first 25 minutes, the Jurassic Park team is high fiving and patting themselves on the back, “Hahaha, they bought it! Losers!”

How can you not just embrace with open arms a theory that makes Dr. Huang, Newman, and Samuel L. Jackson part of, not only the most amazing con ever, but also a  scene with them all putting their hands in and saying, “1 -2 – 3 PUNK SCIENTISTS!” like a cheesy Little League Team. That is amazing. I mean, Samuel L. Jackson could have said, "Why are there so many suckas in this mothafucking park!"

(Note: They are no characters named Newman or Dr. Huang in this movie. I am, of course, referring to actor Wayne Knight who played Nedry and BD Wong who played Wu, respectively. But we all know them as Newman from Seinfeld and Dr. Huang from SVU, right?! And Samuel L. Jackson played Arnold)