Be kind, rewind: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
Today I recap one of the greatest ‘90s movies of all time…
The movie that taught me the meaning of the word “effigy” (as in, “They burned uniforms in effigy”)...
The movie that showed me the wonder that is a movie fashion montage...
The movie that made one of my career goals to this day to be that someone tells me, “I’m right on top of that [Marti]”… DON’T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER’S DEAD!
First of all, I always thought the character’s name was Sue Elle (like short for Sue Ellen), but according to imdb.com, it’s Swell. Can’t decide how I feel about that.
Anyway, Swell is a recent college grad. Her friends are all going to Europe without her and her mother is going to Australia to visit her boyfriend’s sheep ranch. #Sexy She is looking forward to summer of freedom, until she gets home from the mall and learns that her mother has hired “ a deranged Mary Poppins” – an evil, old lady named Mrs. Sturack to babysit Swell and her four siblings.
Once Mom is gone, Mrs. Sturak proceeds to stomp out Swell’s cigarette, put her tomboy badass sister Melissa in a pink dress with a bow, ruin little brother Zach’s date with his “moon goddess”, and assign baby brother Walter a report on the aardvark. The siblings rally and Swell goes to Mrs. Sturack’s room to tell her off. Only, dun, dun, dun… Mrs. Sturack is dead! Instead of calling the cops or an ambulance, they wrap her up in a California Raisins bedsheet, it was the early ‘90s after all, and drop her at the nearest funeral home.
The next day, they discover that Mrs. Sturack had the money that their mother left them on her and so Swell needs to get a job. She starts working at a fast food place, where she meets the sweet and, I always thought, slightly dorky Bryan, who becomes the love interest. But after one nasty day of work, she quits.
Cue one of the greatest movie montages of all time…. Swell searches the want ads for a not-gross job and finds a receptionist position opening at G.A.W. – that’s General Apparel West- which Swell assumes is a high fashion business but is actually a uniform manufacturer in “the bowels of the fashion industry.” She copies a resume from a resume book and tries on multiple outfits for a potential interview.
Now, full disclosure, when I was a kid, I LOVED her dress with the giant white collar and belt because it looked like something one of my elementary school teachers might have worn. Now, as an adult, I HATE that same dress because it looks like something an elementary school teacher would wear. So there’s that…
Anyway, when Swell, now calling herself Sue Ellen and pretending to be a divorced mother, goes to G.A.W. to apply, she crosses paths with Rose, an executive, who checks her resume and hires Swell for a better job as her executive assistant. This screws over the receptionist Carolyn, who then becomes the bad guy trying to take Swell down.
I would be doing an injustice to Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead if I didn’t mention the classic line: I’m right on top of that, Rose. On her first day, Rose tells Swell whenever she’s on the phone and she asks her what she’s doing, no matter what, she HAS to say, “I’m right on top of that, Rose.” I can’t be the only kid who saw this movie and thought, you are someone when you have an assistant who says “I’m right on top of that” to you.
Swell manages to thrive at work by “delegating” her work to Cathy, another employee, played by Kimmy Robertson, who you might remember from Twin Peaks or Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. She is able is successfully avoid advances by Rose’s sleazy boyfriend, and falls in love with Bryan. Swell’s siblings also rock at life with no adult supervision: pothead brother Kenny discovers Julia Child’s TV show and masters cooking. He becomes a father figure in the house – being a role model to Zach, spending quality time with Walter, and helping Melissa with her fast ball.
However, everything is not perfect in Swell’s life. After discovering her office petty cash, Swell and her siblings steal all of the money – buying necessities like groceries, a diamond ring, a home entertainment system, and, I think, a new baseball glove.
Around the same time that Swell learns that her siblings have spent thousands of dollars, she gets into a huge fight with Bryan. Early on, Swell learns that Carolyn, the mean receptionist, is Bryan’s sister, so she doesn’t want Bryan and Carolyn to figure out who is (ie- a 17 year old who lied to get a good job). Swell has to be really secretive with Bryan about her job, so he doesn’t connect the dots and he blows her cover. And honestly, Bryan is the kind of dork, who would totally have called her out and got her fired. Carolyn, meanwhile, is conspiring against her to take her job.
And then…G.A.W. goes bust. The school district votes against school uniforms after the students burn their uniforms in effigy (and taught me a word from my SAT vocab list). Swell and the team is going to be out of work and Swell will not be able to pay back the money she took.
Determined for G.A.W. to not go down without a fight (and more pressingly, for her not to go to prison for embezzling), Swell comes up with a master uniform fashion redesign. Rose tells her that her plan can save the company and they’ll need to do a huge presentation – she can pay with the petty cash money. Uh oh! Always quick on her feet, Swell offers up her house for the venue, and her siblings once again rally, clean the house and pool, and prepare and operate a major fashion show with some AMAZING uniform-based teen fashion. Yes, uniform-based fashion, because when you were sixteen, you really wanted to wear a fuchsia bellhop uniform, duh!
Everything is going to plan, until Bryan shows up in his fast food delivery vehicle and proceeds to try win her back over his truck’s PA system. And then… Mom comes home early. Oh snap! Swell admits that she is underaged and lied about her past to Rose, who still loves her, and more importantly G.A.W. is saved! Swell makes up with Bryan, who now understands why Swell was so secretive about work. Ultimately, like the responsible parental figure that she now is, Swell sends her mother to her room, and at the last minute, her mom says, “Where is the babysitter?” Boom credits roll!
